How I came out of a 7 Year Emotional Coma

How I came out of a 7 Year Coma

When I moved to France in July of 2012 I thought the world had opened for me.
I thought I was entering this new magical phase of my life.
Moving to Europe.
That is the stuff of dreams.
Big girl dreams.
Who hasn't had Paris on their list of dream places to visit?
I thought my life here would be one big endless adventure.
Full of travel, exploration and pure joy.
Oh, how naive I was.

If you have followed along with me the last 7 years in any form (on email, on social, or on my site) you know it has not been a magical adventure.
In fact, it has been quite the opposite.

Full of deep heart break.
Anxiety.
Depression.
Feeling like I am completely out of place.
And all alone.
Truly a foreigner in a strange place.

I never truly labelled France as home.
I had house.
A place to put my head at night.
But it was not home.
Home was where I was going to be.
The place I would end up.
Home was in Canada.
"Where I was supposed to be".
France was just a pit stop.
A place I came to visit.

The planning.  
The visions. 
The conversations.
The "when I am home" chats.
They kept playing over and over in my head.
Like a broken record.
What it did was make me spend the last 7 years hating where I was.
Awful energy spent cursing this beautiful country.
Playing the comparison game.
Blaming and shaming.
Being a 5 year old stomping my feet at every new situation.
Every conversation.
Every dinner date.
Every handshake.
I was just wishing to be somewhere else.
Every. single. day.

Never once accepting where I live.
My choice for movie here.
My choice for staying here.

This way.
This system.
This hate and disdain.
It was breaking me.
Piece by piece breaking all of me.
It was not something I could maintain.

It has taken a year of tears.
Fighting.
Hard conversations.
Being brave and ruthless with how I feel.
Truly feel.
Saying it out loud.
Instead of holding it in.
Everything feel apart.
Crumbled.
Like a tornado taking out everything in it's path and throwing it somewhere else.

The problem was never where I lived.
This country.
My husband.
It was me.
It was all me.

The grass is not greener on the other side.  
The grass is greener where you water it.

I had to take care of me.
Bring myself to a place of happiness.
It has been a year long journey and at the beginning of this year I finally started to accept my life here.
Life abroad.
And we planted some roots.
Real, lasting, permanent roots.

In the past I did not purchase things that I could not move or leave.  
I never bought big ticket items.
Because I was always going home.
My husband wanted to build a house. Those roots are on him.
But above you will see my son on a trampoline.
Our first big purchase.
It is a statement.
A statement of acceptance.
Of moving forward.
Upward.
It is my way of leaning in.
My way to water my own grass.
It may see like a small thing but, to me, it is not.

I am just starting to come out of my coma.
A 7 year coma.
Where I spent so much time in.
Inside myself.
Playing small.
Stunted.
Unwilling to commit.
To grow.
To really dig my heels and play.

I feel almost born again.
My system re-booting.
Restarting.

Most times the thing we have to do the most in the hard times.  
The tough times.
Is look inward.
To see what it is that we ourselves need to change.
To fix.
For our light to shine bright.

The things I am doing to come out of my coma:

  • I started reading again. I am a book worm. I love love love to read. But for some reason I exchanged my books with a television. Really not good for me. TV makes me unproductive and lazy. I have been a whole lot of lazy.

  • I have weekly friend dates. This may seem like a no brainer to someone, but to me this has been the single biggest game changer.
    In Canada my life was a revolving door of life long friendships and family gatherings. My parents are very social animals and taught me the value of relationships. I saw my best friends multiple times a week. I actually have friends that I called in those really tough jams. They answered. And they came to help whenever needed.
    Without these connections I lost my life line. My safety net. I lost myself.
    I don’t have a lot of friends here. But I have a few who are weekly regulars and it has helped breathe life into me.

  • I got back on the fitness train. I have dabbled in the fitness area. Never fully committing. Starting. Stopping. Never making it a habit again. Not integrating it into my routine. It was something I did when I had the energy. Side note: Someone who is depressed never has the energy to workout. So I never did.
    Now I have a neighbour I run with at least twice a week. On Wednesdays when our kids are home from school we try to workout together. The return on this is massive. I really need fitness. It clears my head. Heals my heart. And is always outdoors so it is recharging my system.

  • I did a minor week long detox where I had fresh pressed juices every single morning, smoothies or soup for lunch, and plant based meals at dinner. I had one cup of coffee each morning and stayed away from alcohol, meat, dairy and gluten.
    Doing this detox made me feel so great it has reminded me that what I put in my body is of the utmost importance. Now my days are spent thinking about the best things I can eat instead of emotional eating everything in sight.

  • Hard conversations. Oh how I hate these. The crying so hard you can’t control the snot shooting out of your nose. Being ridiculously honest with how you really feel. I am really bad at this. I would rather hold everything in and wait until it all passes. But it never passes, does it? No no. It just recycles through our brains and our bodies. Over and over. Consuming us and eating us up whole.
    I had to get real. And now I am trying to be better. Thankfully, I have an incredible partner who’s bullshit radar is off the charts. Instead of drilling me like a Sargent about what is wrong, he just comes, gives me a hug. I crumble and eventually the words fall out. 7 Years for us to get to this place of understanding how I need to communicate.

  • I breathed life back into my business. My business. This blog. It all fuels me in a way I cannot put words to. It gives me a mission. Purpose. And I am tapped into the most beautiful and uplifting community that if you saw what I felt you would have goosebumps too.
    But I stopped working on it. I did parts and pieces. But I did not give it my love and attention.
    I have started to change that. Because I fell back in love with it.
    Part of this magic is because a close friend of mine here also fell in love with the business and she has been exploding all around me. Forcing me to pay attention. Forcing me to give it attention. And getting me back in the game. I am not sure I would have ever given it my full attention again if it wasn’t for her.
    My business isn’t something I do to earn money. It is something I do to fulfill a deeper part of me. She reminded me of this. And for that I am so dam grateful.
    The oils and the business pulled me out of so many dark holes and places. So it is no surprise that this helped me come out of this coma too!

  • A smoothie a day keeps the doctor away.
    Ok, maybe that isn’t true. But once upon a time I had a routine of a green smoothie everyday. I have no idea when or why I stopped doing this, but I did. Instead I just fed my body bullshit because I was too emotionally tired and broken to care. But the simple act of making a green smoothie reminds my head and heart that I love my body and want to feed it delicious and nutritious food. I am back on the smoothie train. And if it is not a smoothie, thanks to the detox, I am back to being in love with my juicer.

  • Being consistent with my natural supplement system.
    I take an amazing natural supplement system called the Life Long Vitality pack. It helps me to mange my headaches + migraines, have deeper sleep and brings less pain to my chronic neck injury. It is my baseline health. And in my coma I took them only when I thought about it. Which was not a lot. I bought a new supplement container and now every morning I put my supplements in tiny stackable coffee cups on the counter. A constant reminder to take them.
    And when I am consistent with them is when I feel the benefits of them.

  • I chopped off all of my hair. Does anyone try to purge radical feelings with radical change?
    I sure do! I cut a lot of my hair off when I first started to purge the emotions I had. And most recently I cut it the shortest it has ever been. Every day when I do my hair it is still a shock for me. And I love that. Major change and major refresh.

  • I used and am using a lot of emotional cleansing oils. One oil in particular is Melaleuca Tea Tree Oil. Here is why:
    Melaleuca is able to clear negative energetic baggage that you may be carrying. It helps you release toxic relationships that deplete your energy unaware. Melaleuca helps you break free from any negative ties from these toxic relationships and frees up space for new and healthier connections.
    This essential oil may also assist you in recognizing the issues within you that allowed you to make these toxic relationships to begin with. It not only helps us to step into our own strength and individuality and get out of codependency, but also release those connections that have become unbalanced, draining, or stop us from growing.

    Melaleuca empowers and encourages you to let go of all forms of self-betrayal such as letting others take advantage of your time, energy or abilities. It helps you prevent others from feeding off of your energy and supports you in standing up for yourself and not taking the responsibility or blame for others’ problems. Try diffusing this oil with Lemongrass which is the Oil of Cleansing (energetically). Tea Tree helps the individual in purifying their practices and releasing all emotional wounds that no longer serve. Once old wounds are released, the body can then change the behavioral patterns that led to the wounding to begin with. This may be particularly helpful for those that play the victim or “poor me” role. The emotional roots are often associated with distrust of self or others, guilt and shame. Of all which, can be released with the assistance of Tea Tree. In this way it helps us to love ourselves, trust our own abilities, enjoy our own presence, say no when we need to, and honour our needs for respect or love from the right people in our lives.
    Information on the energetic properties of Melaleuca Tea Tree oil were found here:
    https://hebaelhakim.com/melaleuca/

I have found that it is never just one thing that we do.

It is all of the things.

I had to change a lot and do it over time to get me to this place.
This light.
And I am so glad I did!

I am happy to feel the sun on my face and the heat on my skin.
It has been a long long long time in the shade.

Love, hugs and gratitude.
Ange
xo