A Snapshot into my Emotional Upheaval + Current Coping Mechanisms
It has been a really long time since I have been here on my website and creating a post.This year has been ...... hmmm..... what is the best way to describe it ....... emotionally charged and challenging. This post may give you an insight to why I have been so distant here and on social media.I am going to be very raw with my post here and share something I have barely whispered out loud.Something I have learned with sharing my truth with the world wide web is that when we have the strength to share our ugly and messy parts, we can show others going through something similar that they are not alone. My message may not resonate with you. It may not pull your heart strings. And you may think I am just sharing personal drama for no good reason.But maybe.... just maybe.... it resonates with one person and they get me. The feel my pain in their own journey. And maybe, just for a moment, they realize they are not alone.I shall warn you, this is not a short post. So if you stay with me until the end, I thank you!
At the beginning of the year I wanted to divorce my husband.
I have no idea how long it was that I stopped talking to him.
Stopped looking at him.
Stopped seeing him.
For the man that he is. The father that he is. The husband he is.
I began to see him through this distorted lens.
He couldn’t make me happy and he couldn’t do right.
I put up a wall of anger, frustration and blame.
He wasn’t getting past it.
Not even in the most beautiful of times could he start to climb that wall to the other side.
My anger and pain pushing him back over.
Believe it or not, I had no idea I put this wall up.
I had no idea how mad I really was.
Or when it all started.
I cannot pinpoint where it all went wrong.
I just knew it was no longer right.
As I unravel this story you will learn that my husband is not the villain here, but the hero.
And with my internal destruction I was creating the kryptonite of our marriage.
Of my life.
Of my happiness.
So let me begin here…… right before summer…..where my life as I knew it would become completely flipped upside down.
In June, something big happened.
Not big like I got engaged.
Or found out I was pregnant.
Or moved to a new country.
Not that kind of big.
Big like a bomb.
An emotional one.
Exploding all over my life.
The bomb, was my dad.
His words more specifically.
They fell on me.
Fell on us.
Ash for days.
He sat me down gently.
As my father always does.
And told me the truth that I was too afraid to see.
To blinded to see.
To buried under anger to know.
I was not my cuddly, sweet, kind self.
The happy girl he always knew me to be.
Instead of listening, truly listening to what he was saying, I went on the defence.
Back against the wall, I fight. I fight hard. I fight back.
And I never fight fair.
I pointed my fingers in all sorts of directions.
Shouting blame everywhere.
I put the blame everywhere but on myself.
Because how could this be my fault.
I cursed my dad for not understanding my life or how hard it was for me here.
I cursed this country and everything beautiful it has given me.
I would have blamed the mailman if he happened to knock on my door at that exact moment.
My final finger landed on my husband.
Pointing. Shaking. Pointing some more.
You. This is all your fault.
I beat my words and frustration on him until I couldn’t breathe or see through my own eyes.
I am sure you can imagine just how ugly this period was.
How thick the pain.
How destructive the behaviour.
I was immobilized.
A shell of myself.
Emotions hurling everywhere.
How maddening it was to be forced to look at myself.
To truly take account for the life I created and the parts that were tearing me a part.
I had to live in this really dark period of upheaval and ignorance.
Unable to truly pick a part the truth.
The months leading up to this were dark enough.
But this ..... this was so dark ...... past the colour black ...... beyond anything I had known before it....
It was so dark I found it hard to breathe.
With everything… time passes.
The pain lessens.
The tears finally dry up.
And suddenly clarity punches you in the nose.
Like a boxer going for the knockout.
Bloody and emotionally battered I started to see. Really see.
Eyes wide open.
I started to see my choices.
My own version of reality.
Not the one someone else was telling me.
Not the distorted one I was feeding everyone.
But my version of the story.
Our truth. Ugly and beautiful.
I started to see all of the broken parts.
I have played the comparison game since the day my plane landed the first time in France.
There wasn’t a single thing I could do to make my life here the same .
Just as it once was.
Perfect and cozy.
Wrapped up in family and friendship.
There was not a dam thing I could do.
It was not the same.
It was never going to be the same.
But oh man how I tried.
I wanted my life to be the same.
I wanted to do the same things.
Go to the same places.
Be with the same people.
And every day it wasn’t the same was a day I subconsciously added a brick.
Before I knew it I had a whole dam wall.
My husband and I have been married 6 years.
Imagine being with a woman who has never been truly happy?
Imagine being with a woman who has blamed you for every single thing that has ever gone wrong?
Imagine being with a woman who has no idea how to digest the feelings she has.
Let alone try to communicate them with you?
This is the life of the man I share space with.
The men I share space with.
I am an emotional creature who holds everything in.
Close to my chest.
Too scared to share.
And then when it has finally eaten me whole and the world around me explodes, I finally start to see what lit the bomb in the first place.
My husband is not the villain. Even though I so badly want him to be.
It would be so much easier.
Instead, he is the hero.
Bearing the brunt of my emotional immaturity.
And randomly giving me hugs when he has no idea what is wrong but his spidey senses are tingling.
Thank you Frédéric for loving the ugliest parts of me and for staying with me even when I didn’t deserve it.
I think I can say it now, that my dad single handedly saved my marriage this year.
Saved my heart.
So here I am…
Having to admit my own failings.
Having to address the upheaval in my life.
To find what unravels within me.
To heal what is broken.
And to try to find happiness here.
Where I am.
In this country.
In this marriage.
In this life.
We all have our own stories.
Our own mess.
Our own bombs.
Our own breakdowns.
We learn what hurts us.
What breaks us.
Then we learn what heals us.
What makes us feel whole.
And the cycle begins again.
If you are in the ugly part of this circle with me - welcome.
You are not alone.
You do not have to fight this battle alone.
If you feel alone, without a soul to reach out to. To talk with. To cry to.
Reach out to me privately.
But never ever do the journey alone.
I REPEAT, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
My coping mechanisms:
Here is a sneak peak into what my healing journey looks like right now.It is evolving and changing just like me.
1. Writing it all down
The ugly and the awesome. The more I can get it out the lighter I feel.Writing is therapeutic to me. I am sure this post is a testament to that. But even if its not for you, it can help unload what is heavy and bring clarity to what your next move should be.
I read somewhere a long time ago that when we live in a space of gratitude other emotions cannot take up space beside it. Fear cannot live beside gratitude. Resentment cannot live beside gratitude. Hate. Anger. These emotions cannot live beside gratitude.I try to make a physical or mental gratitude list every day. It reminds me that I really do have incredible things in my life. In the here and now. And I am dam lucky to have them.
Less meat. Less dairy. Less alcohol. Less sugar. Less caffeine. Less mindless spending. Less guilt. Less expectations. Less pleasing. Less blame. Less finger pointing. Less keeping score.
More sleep. More rest. More fitness. More veggies. More water. Way more water. More hugs. More gratitude. More cuddles. More playtime. More laugher. More photos. More memories. More phone calls. More FaceTime. More apologies.
5. Saying no
If it does not fill me up or get me excited I am not adding it to my schedule. I am no longer filling my days running around tirelessly to fulfill obligations other people set.If I am not thrilled the moment the request comes it is not getting added to the calendar.I also have more courage and strength than before to cancel what I cannot accomplish. If I do not have the emotional energy to do it, it simply does not get done.And that is ok!
6. Play time
My poor son asks me to play all of the time. But with a full plate I always say no. I can’t. I have to do…. fill that in with whatever lame ass excuse you can think of.One day he is going to stop asking me to play because he will already know the answer.My first job is mom.My first and most important job.So why do I let all of these other things come first?
7. More self care
I used to think self care was a day at the spa with my best friend.It is not.Maybe I should be more clear.It can be a day at the spa.But it is also the little moments we take for ourselves. The way we find a pause. A way to calm the commotion.It is long hot showers. Taking time to paint your toe nailsShaving (yes I wrote that).Making healthy food.Reading a book.Listenting to a podcast.Playing that song really loud and singing at the top of your lungs even though you are so off tune.Find your fulfilling moments no matter how small and sprinkle them throughout your day.
8. Clean + natural supplements
I truly believe that we need to supplement our health to ensure we are not living nutrient or vitamin deficient. Even if we are growing all of our own veggies in our garden I still do not think we would meet the daily recommended nutrient levels. Add to it the stress, pollution and toxins we take in daily. Supplementing is very important. It is especially important in our dark times. When we likely are not eating as clean we we should. Sleeping well. Maybe our consumption of alcohol is higher than normal. I know these dark times all too well. Being consistent with supplementation will help the dark time to fade faster and put us onto a healing journey.To learn more about the supplements I take and how they feed my body so well click here: https://media.doterra.com/us/en/brochures/lifelong-vitality.pdf
9. Putting my essential oils to workI am so thankful that I brought these powerful little brown bottles into my home.I now have tools at my fingertips for all of the things.I use them to pull myself out of the deep dark hole and to take care of life’s little emergencies.And now I will use them for this chapter of my life and the healing I need to do.
The essential oils that I am using:
I have a whole section below this one that goes into depth as to the specific reason each oil was chosen. You can see the physical and emotional properties of each oil to have a better understanding behind it and why I am trying to implement these oils into my daily or weekly routines.
Copaiba Soft Gels (daily)
As mentioned above I take supplementation very seriously.You can see my full post about why I take what I take.But one I really want to highlight here is the Copaiba Soft Gels.I take one of these each and every morning.Something I failed to mention about is that I deal with high anxious feelings and attacks.They come hard, fast and are often times completely unpredictable.These soft gels have been helping manage this area of my life.I can pinpoint the very last attack I had to the day and hour and since I have been consistently taking these soft gels I have not had one.I know it is never just one thing but a combination of all of the things, but for anyone who deals with frequent anxious attacks, you can see just how huge this is.To learn more about the full effects of this essential oil in an easy to take Softgels watch this video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axmJurEhptY
Zendocrine Detoxification Blend:
In heavy times I know my body needs cleansing and additional support. Each morning while my coffee is brewing I apply 1 drop pf Zendocrine Detoxification Blend to each foot with Fractionated coconut oil. I put my socks on and go about my day.This is helping my body to release both physical and emotional toxins.
Adding AromaTouch Massage Blend to my lotion:
One of the ways I love on myself is take long hot showers. I understand environmentally this is one of the worst things I can do but I absolutely love it, crave it and need it. I feel so much better after a hot shower.If I am on my A game, pre shower I do dry skin brushing with Pink Pepper, I have coconut oil and on guard in my mouth and I oil pull while under the water.My B game is getting out of the shower and boosting my unscented lotion with a few drops of AromaTouch.If I am not working and I ask my hubby to love on me he applies AromaTouch to my back and neck which is where I carry the most stress and tension.Adding this to my routine helps bring some relief to my achy body because stress and anxiety is a total body experience.I carry my emotions all through my body so helping to reduce that tension will help bring my body and mind to a state of healing at a faster rate.
Emotional Roller Bottle Blend
Apply as perfume and incredible emotional support.I made two of these roller blends so I always have this with me. One sits on the counter in my kitchen and the other is in my backpack that I never leave home without. This specific blend is what helped me out of the deep dark hole so I know that it feeds my body both on a physical and emotional level.I apply this roller multiple times a day during my low vibration times.This has three of the oils listed above and one other not mentioned (juniper berry).You can find the full details of this roller bottle blend here and why I use these 4 specific oils:http://hoohappiness.com/rollerbottle-recipe-roundup-with-free-downloadable-labels/Emotional RollerBottle Blend:In a 10ml Roller Bottle add:* 6 drops Geranium* 10 drops Lavender* 6 drops Patchouli* 10 drops BalanceTop the rest of the bottle with Fractionated Coconut Oil.Let rest for 24 hours so the oils can beautifully blend together.
When I need to boost my immune system:
When my emotions run high my immune runs low.I can feel it with the scratchy throat especially the day after I have a huge cry fest.It is almost like I have an emotional hangover.To boost the body you can use this blend. I typically make a balm out of this and apply this to my feet multiple times a day. You can also make this in a roller for easy application and apply to the spine.Immune Boosting Blend:In a tiny jar add the following and mix well:* 2 tablespoons of coconut oil* 2 drops Arborvitae* 2 drops OnGuard Protective BlendApply to your feet multiple times a day when you are feeling run down or dealing with a threat.If you want to see all of the Bug Busting recipes I use in our home to fight off threats and to boost our immune systems you can click here:http://hoohappiness.com/winter-wellness-recipes/
Diffusing in my home:
I run our diffuser all day long in our house. Different blends get rotated through depending on what we are needing most.I am not going to bore you with all of the details as to why diffusion works. But I will tell you that I use it for four main reasons.To naturally scent our home.To cleanse the air.For mood management and emotion support.For fighting threats or boosting the body with additional support.But here are the diffuser blends that have frequent runs in our home to take care of our emotional needs.
Protective (energetic + physical)
2 drops Arborvitae
2 drops OnGuard Protective Blend
2 drops Wild Orange
2 drops Geranium
2 drops Lavender
2 drops Serenity Calming Blend
3 drops Bergamot
3 drops Lavender
2 drops Balance Grounding Blend
2 drops Serenity Restful Blend
2 drops Copaiba
2 drops Balance Grounding Blend
2 drops Bergamot
2 drops Wild Orange
Why I chose these oils specifically for this chapter of my life:
— Assists individuals who believe all progress must be made through struggle and solitary effort.
— Arborvitae addresses the need to control one’s outcomes in life
AromaTouch Massage Blend:
—Can help calm, relax and lessen tension
—Improves any massage experience with a soothing aroma
—With massage and bodywork we are able to relax our body and out mind
—Offers comfort in times of grief and sorrow.
Balance Grounding Blend:
— May help ease anxious or tense feelings
— Produces feelings of tranquility and balance
— Promotes a sense of relaxation and harmony
— Provides stable and grounding energy
— Soothes anxious or sad feelings
— Relieves feelings of despair, self-judgment, and low self-esteem.
— It supports individuals in need of self-acceptance and self-love.
— Bergamot invites individuals to see life with more optimism.
— Bergamot has a cleansing effect on stagnant feelings and limiting belief systems
— Powerful antioxidant*
— Supports the health of the cardiovascular, immune, digestive, nervous, and respiratory systems*
— Offers assistance to those caught in lower vibrations of shame, blame, fear, and self-loathing.
— Helps you to begin the unraveling and restoration process.
— Reminds us that forgiveness of the self is necessary.
— Geranium aids in healing the broken heart.
— It encourages emotional honesty by facilitating the emergence of grief or pain that has been suppressed.
— Geranium softens anger and assists in healing emotional wounds.
—Reduces anxious feelings or feelings of tension*
—Provides relaxing qualities that can help promote a peaceful sleep*
— Aids verbal expression and calming the mind.
— Lavender supports individuals in releasing the tension and constriction that stems from withheld expression.
— Lavender encourages emotional honesty and insists that one speak their innermost thoughts and desires.
OnGuard Protective Blend
:—Helps support healthy respiratory function*
—Supports the body’s natural antioxidant defenses*
—Provides protection against environmental and seasonal threats*
—Physical and energetic protective properties
—Aids in warding off energetic parasites
Serenity Restful Blend:
— Calms the senses
— Reduces feelings of tension
— Helps create a restful sleeping environment
— Softens a hardened heart
— Forces one to look within themselves instead of forcing blame onto others
Zendocrine Detoxification Blend:
— Supports healthy liver function*
— Purifying and detoxifying to the body’s systems*
— Supports the body’s ability to remove unwanted substances*
— Assists the body and mind during times of transition and change
— Aids in letting go of old patterns or behaviours that are self destructing
— Encourages the release of physical and emotional toxins